A spoof on the Simpson's, "Ritalin" episode....
Simpson's Episode: Second Honeymoon in Springfield


The couch scene:
Homer is acting kind of weird - like he's trying to get Marge to notice him.. So Bart is too. Marge is acting normal. So is Lisa. Maggie sucks her thumb between Marge and Homer. She looks from one to the other..

ON TV:
Ads for Noiagra, the new men's virility drug. Homer pats Marge familiarly. Marge sighs and squirms away a little. . The couch quivers and morphs into the shape of a huge pair of lips with everybody still sitting on it. Maggie's and the pets are the only ones who notice it. Maggie gets swallowed up for a second, but Marge and Homer simultaneously, and absentmindedly pull her out of the crack.

Bart and Lisa exchange smirky, eye-rolling LOOKS.


CUT TO BATHROOM - LATER:
Homer imagines a few things in the mirror - he he's young, he's manly - he has vague imaginings.... (play Michael Jackson's "Bad)

Bart is waiting outside the door, Dad seems to be taking a little bit more time than usual.

Bart says to himself "something's going on". Lisa (waiting in line) treats him like an idiot, because she knows he knows The Old Man's acting strange. But he ain't sayin' because she is his little sister. He peeks through the keyhole and sees Homer posturing in front of the mirror.
Hmmmmmnn.

CUT BACK TO MARGE -
Alone on the couch after bedtime... she sees an ad for Ecosyn, the new love drug for women. She imagines Homer, as he used to be. She sighs.....The couch quivers, but remains just a couch...

CUT BACK TO MARGE & HOMER DATING -
They're on their honeymoon at ShimmyWammy Falls - young, attractive, sexy, no kids.

CUT BACK TO PRESENT-
Marge and Homer dreaming about each other.. Homer and Marge imagine their own scenarios of love with each other (Marge is more romantic, imagining things in marketing propaganda terms, just like the ads - with music and flowers and soft lights...Homer is more....well, X-rated! Mostly he just imagines a big moving hump under the blanket, (him) with Marge crooning out encouraging phrases.... "Homer! Oh, Homer!")

CUT TO:
Homer and his friends.... One of Homer's pals at the plant starts making references to his great sex life - this guy used to be just like the rest of them, tired, fat ,bald - suddenly, he seems to be "getting it" again. What's his secret? Noiagra, of course! All the guys cluster around Hank, panting like dogs. A shot from outside the group shows that they all have wagging tails, too.

CUT TO:
Homer coming home from seeing Dr. Hibbert with his new prescription for Noiagra - he pops a pill in the bathroom and almost instantly sees himself as younger, more virile, with hair. (play the song " I Could Love a Million Girls" from the movie "Ragtime" ). He opens the bedroom door , sticks his head in - "Oh, Maaaaarrrggge...." - All we see is his shorts and the back of his middle-aged body - but the front part of him sticking IN the door is young and virile. Homer rejuvenated! Strange noises come out of the bedroom, with Marge sounding less than thrilled. "HOmer! oh! Stop it HOmerR, what's got into you?" Bart is listening at the door, of course - Lisa tells him to knock it off, he's disgusting - Bart thinks this is REALLY funny, and he is imagining what's going in in the bedroom. Lisa is reading a book "Psychopharmacology III" (or something)

CUT TO APU's STORE:
Where Marge gets into a little conversation with Apu's wife , Manjula- trying to hide from Apu, his wife whisperingly mentions Ecosyn to Marge and Marge admits that she has heard of it - both Marge and Manjula decide to secretly sign up for the trials. In Springfield. Apu could be using Noiagra as well...... His brother definitely uses it, as you can see because he is putting the make on every woman who comes in the store. Apu looks a little jealous. Turns out they aren't the only ones, lots of other women in town are taking it, but on the sly - some are on placebos, and you can tell which ones they are by their eyes. We see quick vignettes of women getting sexy all over town. The hairdresser has a line all the way down the block, so does the tanning booth and the manicurist. A quick cut to the supermarket , where all the women are buying "ME STUFF" like cream bleach and premium yogurt. Kids look a little confused, as they go to the check-out line with Mom. No snacks? Where's the milk?

CUT BACK TO BART & LISA:
While waiting for the bathroom, Bart , Lisa and Maggie are actually peeking around the doorways to their rooms, with their eyes bugging out, because Marge and Homer are REALLY acting weird. Marge runs giggling down the hall in sexy lingerie, very un-MOM-like, slamming the door to her bedroom, from which all kinds of loud fooling around noises ensue. Both Bart and Lisa exclaim "MOM!" in scandalized tones as she runs by. The front of her is young again! but as she passes, we see HER middle-aged behind the way the kids do - looking kind of silly in that get-up. Lisa is especially embarrassed. Lisa says "she didn't even kiss me goodnight!" Tonight Lisa is reading "Debunking the DSM-IV".

Bart and Lisa are fighting over something in the bathroom when a bottle of Noiagra falls into the sink from the medicine cabinet. Bart grabs it up, and then Lisa grabs it away from him. The top falls
off the bottle and a few pills fall to the floor where Santa's Little Helper (is he still alive?) and Maggie both promptly gobble them up. Bart and Lisa are looking at the bottle when another bottle falls out - clink! It's the bottle of Ecosyn. Bart and Lisa exchange "THE LOOK" Bart and Lisa, intent on the second bottle, don't notice Maggie and the dog. Lisa is feverishly looking for package inserts in the medicine cabinet, throwing boxes and bottles behind her.......

In the morning, both parents are acting normally - but they look a little sheepish and "hung over".

An indignant cat noise heralds Santa's Little Helper chasing the cat (Snowball II?) down the hall - the dog has big red HEARTS for eyes. Maggie can be seen (little red hearts for eyes, but she doesn't really know why she is doing what she's doing.....) sort of "humping" Bart's leg under the breakfast table. He shakes her off in disgust....... On the television, a little white bouncing ball (with a face) is hopping over the lyrics; "I feel like a natural Woman!" - Marge isn't really paying attention to her family, and her eyes glaze over just a little bit. Homer's too. Marge pours Homer's breakfast milk in his lap - he looks up suggestively.......

CUT TO SCHOOL:
Some of the kids in school have that "look" of being on something. Principal Skinner especially has it, and is seen necking with Patty, (his real true love) and SHE must be involved in the trials as well, because she is extraordinarily receptive. All the kids are looking out the window at them as they "forget themselves" in the car. (Willy can be seen videotaping them secretly from the playground's edge with a long telephoto lens) On the classroom wall over their heads, there is a big poster that says "Just say NO to drugs". On the blackboard are the chemical compositions of Focusyn (Ritalin) and Cocaine. C14 H19 NO2 and C17 H21 NO4.

CUT TO THE JAIL:
Mr. Burns has apparently had an adverse reaction to Noiagra and is being detained for his own protection - it's unclear what has happened, but Jackie Bouvier is outside and very upset - Burns looks like hell and is alternately weeping and raging.

I don't think Smithers and Flanders would try Noiagra - maybe Smithers might try it while on vacation..... Noiagra doesn't work on Barney, too much beer. Moe won't touch the stuff. But Edna Krabappel is taking it and is stalking Moe. In fact, she just looked in the window behind his back, and she was seen in the mirror of his bar a while ago. He's a little worried.

Willie toys with the idea of taking Noiagra, but is tormented by visions of his beloved Shary Bobbins. He has a few really bad nightmares of going "haywire" while secretly taping "Spanky" Seymour and Patty Bouvier making out. It scares him enough to make him remove all of his gardening tools from his truck and lock them up. On his dresser there is a prescription for Fundemol, a blockbuster antidepressant drug. He throws in the trash, then takes it out again. Throws it back, takes it out again. (he's addicted)

CUT TO PHARM TEAM WORKING WITH DR. HIBBARD:
Dr. Hibbard is being entertained by the Pharm Team in his office. They obsequiously flatter him. He has travel posters all over the walls with the names of pharmaceutical companies on them. There are other Pharm souvenirs around as well. His waiting room is full of townsfolk - but something is strange. On one side of the waiting room, many of the women are dressed a little more daringly, with painted fingernails and toenails and lots of make-up. There's a lot of chatter on that side of the room. On the other side, the rest of Dr. Hibbard's patients (a few men and the women taking placebos ) are sitting in silence, dressed soberly. The door opens and Marge wheels Grampa in in his wheelchair. There isn't much room, so Marge starts wheeling him over to the sober side, but Gramps didn't fall off the turnip-truck yesterday, and he knows a good thing when he sees it. He wheels his chair over to the other side, leaving the somewhat befuddled Marge to follow him. She squeezes in. The door opens again, and Apu comes in - he looks extremely haggard, and he looks MAD (unlike Apu!). He has Manjula by the arm, and her sari is drawn up to cover all of her face except her eyes. They have shaky little red hearts in them. Grampa is loudly telling war stories starring himself, and has quite the audience of eager listeners, all of their hearts thumping visibly in unison in their bosoms........ Marjulan sits down next to Marge. Apu sternly places himself between them.

CUT TO SIMPSON HOME BEFORE SCHOOL:
Bart, Lisa, Maggie and the pets are making their own unique breakfasts. Bart is having candy (Butterfingers), Lisa is having tofu with bean-sprouts, Maggie has Zonc! the latest caffeine-laced soda in her bottle. The dog and cat are making bacon , eggs and toast. The house is really a mess. Strains of Ravel's "Bolero" issue from the bedroom. Bart pauses in his breakfast to throw a water balloon made out of a condom at Lisa. He has a whole pile of them. Lisa says "Bart, that's disgusting! " Bart's obviously having a good time. No chores, nobody watching ! He starts out the door for school , realizes what he's doing, bangs himself on the forehead (D'OH! with a naughty little smile) and decides to play a video game instead. Lisa starts for school, but finds herself in the Springfield Free Library instead. She uses the Internet there to look up pharmaceutical formulae. Maggie turns on the TV and watches pharmaceutical ads. She hums along.

Things are going bad all over Springfield. Ned Flanders for one, is getting mighty tired of being woken in the middle of the night to the sounds of Salsa coming from Marge and Homer's bedroom. Last night he looked out and saw the silhouettes of Marge and Homer dancing naked. (Ha! THAT ought to be really funny!) Ned nails some sound-proof material over his bedroom window. (Acme Sownd-Pruf)

Chief Wiggins is having a hard time getting good service at the Donut Shop. The garbage man hasn't come in a week, and there are stinking piles of trash on every street corner. The power is starting to flicker on and off. The grocery store is empty. Only Apu has stock. (Marjulan appears to have recovered, and is working diligently and modestly as usual - Apu's brother looks sobered and back on track, treating the women with deference once again.) Bart has lost most of his weight and looks like a starving Biafran, because nobody's been feeding him. The television doesn't work, because the TV antennae is broken. The video game doesn't have any batteries. The school is in a riot, and when the bell rings, all the kids stampede the nurse's office, where they ransack the cabinets and start passing out Focusyn. The nurse runs away. Moe's bar is empty except for Barney, who doesn't seem to realize that anything is out of the ordinary. Men run by the windows in panic, followed by ravenous, sex-crazed women ... Edna Krabappel tries to reach Moe through an open window (Psycho Shower Music - RRRREEEEEE!! RRRRREEEEEE!! RRRREEEEEEEE!!!!) but Moe manages to shut the window just in time. The whole town looks like a disaster zone - and the nuclear power plant is visibly leaking hazardous waste. An alarm can be heard sounding in the distance......

CUT TO LISA IN THE SPRINGFIELD FREE PUBLIC LIBRARY:
Lisa is surrounded by piles of books and manuscripts, completely lost in thought and ignoring the din outside. Willy wanders in, looking for a book on antidepressants. Lisa has it, but obligingly hands it over. Willy sits down and bursts into tears. Lisa closes her book and stares at him over the table. She moves over to console him.

BACK TO APU's STORE:
Lisa and Willy enter the store and have a whispered conversation with Apu.

MOE'S BAR AND GRILL:
Lisa , Willy and Apu enter the bar as if they have been running and have a whispered conversation with Moe NED FLANDERS' HOUSE; Lisa, Willy, Moe, Apu knock on Ned Flanders' door, and he lets them in and closes the door after looking furtively down both sides of the street. Lisa is carrying a few books - one is the "Complete Double-Blind Placebo-Controlled Experiment".

BACK TO DR. HIBBARD'S OFFICE WITH THE PHARM TEAM:
The Pharm team stands with Dr. Hibbard as the sex-ravaged and exhausted populace streams by. They shake hands and congratulate each other. "Excellent results, Doctor - we WILL be seeing you at Buckingham Palace, will we not? Liz is SO eager to meet you!"........ The lights flicker - and again...... Lisa, Moe and Willy sneak past the group, wearing Ninja-like clothing. Apu begins to create a diversion - he is dressed in Marjulan's sari, and is pretending to have a bad reaction from Ecosyn. (Apu wails that he/she has seen The Big One and that he/she is terrified) The doctor pats him/her on the head, laughs good-naturedly, and assures him/her that the symptoms he is experiencing couldn't possibly be related to the drug. The Pharm Team nods approvingly.

The power flickers and goes off. Only eyes show, and you can tell whose is whose. Apu's eyes have a sari over the bottom half.

Lisa, Moe and Ned take all the real drugs and replace them with saccharine tablets. Then they switch into nurse outfits and serve coffee and Danish to Dr. Hibbard and The Pharm team. They use Ecosyn and Noiagra in the coffee, and then they get the hell out of Dodge. Willy remembers something , and runs back in - he pulls his bottle of Fundemol out of his overalls and pours some down a few throats. Once on the outside, feathers, fur, eyeglasses, a bra, some false teeth, and some men's underwear, a wallet , some surgical instruments, a thermometer and stethoscope and paper fly out of the windows, and the building swells and threatens to burst from the immense activity within. Animal and barnyard noises come from the clinic. A cow, "Twister"-style, flies through the air and Moe pushes Lisa's head down to save her from it. Some pigs fly by, and a purple elephant with pink spots.

The Ninjas have accomplished their mission.

SIMPSON HOME:
On the couch - just the regular couch. The whole family looks normal again. The ads run on and on and on. Marge and Homer look at each other. The couch begins to quiver.....Bart and Lisa exchange worried looks.......Homer hands the remote to Marge and.....

She turns off the television. They smile at each other and the whole family (including the pets) snuggles into the couch. Maggie gets down from the couch and falls over trying to pick up a smiling Ping-Pong ball from the floor......


THE END